Changes

Today I finalized all the details for my 4 year old daughter, Zariyah Toa to start her pre-kindergarten program and tomorrow I am meeting with her teacher. She starts full time pre-k on Monday.

I did not expect all these emotions to come along with it. This girl is incredibly beautiful, equally smart and overwhelmingly full of love. She has been my mini-me for her entire life and her birth set the tone for my healing. She was so tiny beautiful as she is and she fits it well.

It’s taking me back to the day she was born. I had prodomal labor with her and broke my tail bone! I was 5cm dilated when my midwife stripped my membranes and when she came out it was quick.csc_9077 pushed for 5-10 minutes and was so happy when she was finally in my arms. Her beauty was shocking to my heart and it still is every day when I see her and hear her perfect voice. True to her name, she is my warrior princess. She is every bit as fierce as she is sweet. She is a perfectionist and very creative and imaginative. She wants to be understood and tries hard to communicate well.

By watching her grow into her beautiful 4 year old self, I have seen what power beauty and pure love have on people. She loves and includes and is so sweet. she gets excited about things and laughs and fights for what she believes in. This one has taught me so much about life. I am going to miss having her with me 24/7, but I am also extremely excited for her to venture into this part of life. fullsizerender-2She craves knowledge and tries hard to keep up with her big brothers. I think she will LOVE school and all the opportunities it provides for her.

I believe that every family is different and every parent has to make choices based on what is right for them as Individuals. For me, I was homeschooled and really didn’t like it. I wanted to be in public school so desperately, but that was based on my deep, deep rooted desire to be normal.  In hind sight, I believe that I was saved a little bit by being homeschooled. I may have completely lost myself in public school. I will never know, but I know my experience lead me here.  I know that I don’t have to feel guilt for letting my kids go to public school.

I grew up believing that it isn’t good for christian kids to go to public school. There are too many “sinful” things there and children are forced at way too young an age to fight against the wrong things. And what about school shootings and trusting government programs to teach your kids when you are well equipped to do it yourself?

Here is my reasoning. Guilt. Shame. Blame. Opportunity. Social life. Choices. Questions. Intentions. Challenges. Friendship. Love.

I am a very independent person with 5 children. Yes, I am capable of teaching my kids what they need to know to get by in life, but I know myself. I need to be able to rely on others to teach my kids because I also know my kids. They need more than I am currently able to give. I need an outlet. Right now, that outlet is Young Living and the community and leadership running the business provides me with. I also need to have a clean house and my kids need outlets too. I can’t take them to the park everyday because the park is an overwhelming place for me. I have a hard time keeping mental track of 5 kids. I need to know they are safe without forcing them to be my little flock right next to me. I want them to grow up independent without being yelled at. I have learned that stress effects me in a very negative way. When my mind is overwhelmed, I turn into a person who is more focused on controlling the situation than the feelings of those involved.

I love that the kids are given daily opportunities to befriend and accept people from all walks of life. I would not be able to provide them with this opportunity with out school. I cannot protect them from what is in the world and I don’t want to (unless it’s a dangerous creeper). I want my kids to understand what choices people in their peer group are making and I want to help them figure out what they believe is right. There are so many educational opportunities from the social side of school that when a parent stays involved in conversations with their children about topics and friendships, it’s amazing what conversations come from it.

My kids are given opportunities to love people in all walks of life. They are learning respect for elders and they are learning that they have value in society, not just in their family. They have interaction with people with learning disabilities and physical disabilities. These are things I cannot provide well for my kids.  I am incredibly thankful for this experience for them and for the social and educational opportunities that their schools provide.

Why have you chosen to put your kids in school or homeschool instead? What makes you feel alive as an adult? Have you figured out your triggers and given yourself healthy boundaries with your kids?

Remember that you were created for a reason and the things that you think and the desires in your heart are likely ones that were placed there by your creator and are likely ones He wants for you. Will you do something terrifying and acknowledge that part of you?

Rest for the weary

2.5 years ago, I was in a desperate place. I had just birthed my fourth baby. My first intentionally unassisted.  She had digestion issues from the start and cried a lot.  We also had a puppy and lived in a 787 sqft house in the middle of he city. We had a small yard and I needed an outlet. I was asking for advise for my baby’s tummy and my sister told me about Young Living Efranklin-st-photossential Oils. I freaked out a little bit because my parents had been involved with a multi level company for years and lost a lot of friendships because of it. I felt skeptical of that style of company, but did prefer buying soaps online so I let her tell me.

I honestly don’t remember what she said that convinced me to buy or if it was my own research…. the latter is actually more likely knowing me.  In doing the research, I discovered something that brought me to tears.  A product of nature. Pure. Unadulterated. God made these oils available to us when He created the earth. I didn’t know they existed. I felt like I would imagine the first person who discovered fire felt. There are no words, just deep intense gratitude.

I got my Premium Starter Kit. I had also ordered the Gentle Baby blend to support my infant’s digestive health and to make a blend to support the skin on her little bum. Initially, I was a little taken aback by the smell of Gentle Baby. It is strong. I like it more now, but there is something about new born baby smell that I like more than the smell of roses (which I love now).

Back then the Premium Starter Kit included a blend called Peace & Calming. That was the oil that hooked me. Goodness. I opened it up and felt like bathing in it immediately.  I bought the oils for my baby and didn’t realize how much I needed them. With that oil diffusing, our children’s loud sounds quieted to a point where there was fun without anxiety.  I could sit down and nurse my baby and let my mind rest. Zen is where I was when I was supported by this aroma. Putting it on the bottoms of my kids feet supported a good night sleep and I finally started realizing that rest is essential. Pease in the midst of chaos is attainable.

I have since discovered that a lot of my feeling of being overwhelmed was because of my expectations on people. People talk about how some people look at life through “rose colored glasses.” I was looking at life through glasses scuffed and scratched with deep hurts, fear and darkness. My expectations of others hurt relationships and made me appear selfish and hard to please. I thought I was the victim. I didn’t understand why everything was going wrong in my life and why people didn’t care. It made me angry and compounded the hurt. God has freed me of those expectations and has allowed me to find my needs in His love. He is all that we need.  His love is enough.

How do you cope with the chaos of life and things that don’t go according to plan? have you looked at your expectations to see if they line up with truth? Do you know who you are and what you want out of life? Trust me, if you don’t know, those close to you don’t either.  If you are disappointed in the gifts given or the time spent or the intimacy, look at your heart to see if you are setting those you love up for failure.  God can clean out those expectations and give you the freedom to love others as a gift instead of an investment.

Version 2Peace & Calming is unique because it has Blue Tansy oil in it. This oil is difficult to source and Young Living never compromises their standards. If the fields have a rough year and the harvest is sub par, they do not sell it.  Because of this scenario, Peace & Calming is often out of stock. That one bottle I got in my kit so long ago, was the only bottle I ever had until last month. It came back in stock for the month of Dec. so I got it and this month it is part of the Essential Rewards promo so that one is on it’s way to my door.

I opened the bottle and it brought me back to that feeling when I first got my kit. I remembered how much this blend meant to me and again felt that soothing calm that amazed me at the start of my essential oil journey.

If you have a chance to buy this oil ever, do it.

The Vulnerable Parts

As I venture into the beginning stages of being an entrepreneur and all the things that go along with that, I have been able to observe several ways that I hold myself back from people.  In the past few years I have been shown by the Lord a ton of walls that I have built in the name of self protection. Someone hurt me so I built a wall or fortified a wall that was previously built in an attempt to avoid a similar situation. I have worked hard with God to tear those walls down. Allowing all kinds of emotional pain and vulnerability into my life because those walls were actually hurting me more than helping. They were hurting the people around me too. God is the only one fit to protect our hearts. He does it like any good parent should. He knows His children and He allows pain in order to teach lessons that stick. When I was a kid, I was clumsy and fell a lot. I often had scabs on my knees.  I learned (rather slowly) that if you aren’t careful, you will fall and get hurt. That is a valuable lesson that I may not have learned well had I not experienced it first hand. Based on that pain, I learned what things are worth trying or not. Is it worth the possibility of skinned knee?

I have been contemplating social media and the image put forward by so many as being perfect.   Having all the answers and having the perfect kids. Trust me, my kids are perfect, but it isn’t because I ironed their clothes or put bows in their hair. They are perfect because they are people just like you and me who make mistakes and have hopes and dreams. I adore my children and I know they are fallible like me. Therefore I make boundaries for them so they can grow up in a safe protected environment while also being allowed to adventure and be wild.

Version 2

The big thought came up while I was trying to put together a video for my Facebook group. I replayed the video and I looked rigid and unwelcoming.  I realized it was because I was trying to cover up my biggest insecurity. There are parts of me that I have not made complete peace with. For instance, I have very crooked teeth and I have convinced myself that people will look the other way because of my lack of perfection, but in reality, it is our unique imperfections that help us remain humble and touchable. I want you to see the real me so I resolve to show you me.  I am a very passionate person with things to say and hopefully I have an entertaining quality.

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What about you?  What are things that you hide in an attempt to protect yourself from criticism? If you really think about it, do you think maybe you are just withholding part of your unique personality or look? I challenge you to let yourself go.  If you are too insecure to do it in public, do what I did. Break out your cell phone camera or computer and record yourself. First as you would like to present yourself then do a second video after you allow yourself to be the vulnerable you that you don’t let people see.  Tell me what happens!

 

 

Lets talk life for a sec

I am a mother to five wonderful kids.  Seriously. These kids are perfect for me. I am so blessed to be trusted by God to raise five people to be respectful contributing adults.  When I was 11 I thought long and hard and prayed a lot about how many kids I wanted and what gender. I understood that I could not choose gender, but this was my perfect scenario.  I wanted two boys and then two girls.  That was it. Well, SURPRISE! I got my wish! But God wasn’t finished. He gave us a bonus boy at the end and he is the perfect completion to our family.  We are incredibly blessed and though there are day to day challenges with having children, I am so thankful for each one of these unique personalities.

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I am married to Nathan. He and I met at work. I was a mail room lead and he did data entry. we were both hired as temporary help in our separate departments and then both of us were given permanent status the same month which is the month we met.  My grandpa had passed away in early September 2003 and my aunt came out from Colorado for the funeral. I took time off to drive her back home (she had three small kids). I also wanted a change of scenery. I was considering moving to Colorado. I went to a prayer center and sat in the back meditating and asking the Lord for clarity on my move. A very sweet well meaning prayer room attendant came over and asked if she could pray for me. I agreed and told her what I was contemplating. She said “you know what? you should move. If God isn’t telling you no, then move. the worst that could happen is that you move back home later.”  I looked up at her and thanked her for the advise. I knew in my heart at that moment that she was wrong. I needed to go home. God wanted me back in my hometown.  So I went home and that next week, met Nate. We were filing together and he introduced himself.  In that moment, God told me that he and I would be together forever. He told me Nate’s character and that this was the life He had for me.  We were married 2 years later.

Through these years of marriage, we have experienced heartache and separation and bitterness and joy and happiness and anger and hurt and healing. God caught our attention in a real way in 2011 and since then we have been journeying toward freedom in our mind, body and spirit. God created and heals whole bodies. There are so many things that took a lot of years for me to understand and I hope I can share those things with you here.

God is my Father and my King. I have found true, pure love and all that comes with that. I have found boundaries that produce freedom and I have found that I love being me. I love what God has for me. I love that He cares about the things that I love. He designed me and had a plan when He did it. He is not ashamed of me or angry. He doesn’t want me to change who I am, He wants me to find who I am. He cares about my whole being. He is truly the definition of love.

All of this love, health and freedom is available to you if you give Him a chance. He will orchestrate the healing of your mind and spirit and bring you hope.  I want to share my story in hopes of inspiring you to see that you are living out a story too.  How is your story going to continue? It is your choice what directions you take.

Will you go to a path of health and freedom?

Will you chose life with me?