Today I finalized all the details for my 4 year old daughter, Zariyah Toa to start her pre-kindergarten program and tomorrow I am meeting with her teacher. She starts full time pre-k on Monday.

I did not expect all these emotions to come along with it. This girl is incredibly beautiful, equally smart and overwhelmingly full of love. She has been my mini-me for her entire life and her birth set the tone for my healing. She was so tiny beautiful as she is and she fits it well.

It’s taking me back to the day she was born. I had prodomal labor with her and broke my tail bone! I was 5cm dilated when my midwife stripped my membranes and when she came out it was quick.csc_9077 pushed for 5-10 minutes and was so happy when she was finally in my arms. Her beauty was shocking to my heart and it still is every day when I see her and hear her perfect voice. True to her name, she is my warrior princess. She is every bit as fierce as she is sweet. She is a perfectionist and very creative and imaginative. She wants to be understood and tries hard to communicate well.

By watching her grow into her beautiful 4 year old self, I have seen what power beauty and pure love have on people. She loves and includes and is so sweet. she gets excited about things and laughs and fights for what she believes in. This one has taught me so much about life. I am going to miss having her with me 24/7, but I am also extremely excited for her to venture into this part of life. fullsizerender-2She craves knowledge and tries hard to keep up with her big brothers. I think she will LOVE school and all the opportunities it provides for her.

I believe that every family is different and every parent has to make choices based on what is right for them as Individuals. For me, I was homeschooled and really didn’t like it. I wanted to be in public school so desperately, but that was based on my deep, deep rooted desire to be normal.  In hind sight, I believe that I was saved a little bit by being homeschooled. I may have completely lost myself in public school. I will never know, but I know my experience lead me here.  I know that I don’t have to feel guilt for letting my kids go to public school.

I grew up believing that it isn’t good for christian kids to go to public school. There are too many “sinful” things there and children are forced at way too young an age to fight against the wrong things. And what about school shootings and trusting government programs to teach your kids when you are well equipped to do it yourself?

Here is my reasoning. Guilt. Shame. Blame. Opportunity. Social life. Choices. Questions. Intentions. Challenges. Friendship. Love.

I am a very independent person with 5 children. Yes, I am capable of teaching my kids what they need to know to get by in life, but I know myself. I need to be able to rely on others to teach my kids because I also know my kids. They need more than I am currently able to give. I need an outlet. Right now, that outlet is Young Living and the community and leadership running the business provides me with. I also need to have a clean house and my kids need outlets too. I can’t take them to the park everyday because the park is an overwhelming place for me. I have a hard time keeping mental track of 5 kids. I need to know they are safe without forcing them to be my little flock right next to me. I want them to grow up independent without being yelled at. I have learned that stress effects me in a very negative way. When my mind is overwhelmed, I turn into a person who is more focused on controlling the situation than the feelings of those involved.

I love that the kids are given daily opportunities to befriend and accept people from all walks of life. I would not be able to provide them with this opportunity with out school. I cannot protect them from what is in the world and I don’t want to (unless it’s a dangerous creeper). I want my kids to understand what choices people in their peer group are making and I want to help them figure out what they believe is right. There are so many educational opportunities from the social side of school that when a parent stays involved in conversations with their children about topics and friendships, it’s amazing what conversations come from it.

My kids are given opportunities to love people in all walks of life. They are learning respect for elders and they are learning that they have value in society, not just in their family. They have interaction with people with learning disabilities and physical disabilities. These are things I cannot provide well for my kids.  I am incredibly thankful for this experience for them and for the social and educational opportunities that their schools provide.

Why have you chosen to put your kids in school or homeschool instead? What makes you feel alive as an adult? Have you figured out your triggers and given yourself healthy boundaries with your kids?

Remember that you were created for a reason and the things that you think and the desires in your heart are likely ones that were placed there by your creator and are likely ones He wants for you. Will you do something terrifying and acknowledge that part of you?

2 thoughts on “Changes

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  1. It’s good that your school system is good to work with. My experience hasn’t been the same. This is why we’re going back to homeschooling. It just makes more sense for us to do it and do it well instead of letting the school do it and do it poorly. I think we may have stuck it out in schools had the experience been more positive.


    1. That is an extremely good point. I am very blessed to be in a school district that is well funded and working with my family. I understand there are other issues out there and I’m thankful for people like you who know what is best for you and your family. There are so many wonderful resources for homeschooling families that I tried to implement for myself before we decided to go forward with public school. I wish you the best!

      Liked by 1 person

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